Day 2 of Optifast

It is my second day of following the Optifast program. My surgeon requires his patients to follow the program 4 weeks prior to surgery. Optifast consists of soups and powdered shakes that you make by adding water, cereal type bar and  there are also ready made shakes. I have to eat 6 things a day, with no more than 2 bars and 2 soups a day. I have to make sure I eat something every 2 to 3 hours. I try to go 3 hours, but it is hard when I'm really hungry. I have to make myself go 2 1/2 hours otherwise I've eaten all 6 meals and I would still have time left in the day.

I started the Optifast Program on Tuesday at 1 p.m. It  has been okay. Not great! I do okay in the mornings. Today, I got up and drank a ready made shake at  6:30 a.m. This morning it was 9:35 a.m. before I realized it. I hadn't noticed feeling hungry. I then ate one of the bars. It is now noon and I am on my lunch hour. I am trying to make myself wait until 12:30p.m. to eat again, but I'm feeling a little hungry, probably a 7 out of 10. Ten being starving. Yesterday I was at a 10 by my 6:30 p.m. meal and an hour later I was at a 10 again! But I made myself wait until 9 p.m. to eat my last meal.

Yesterday, I tried to drink as much water as possible. I managed to get in about 50 ounces by 7 p.m. I didn't drink any water after 7 because I didn't want to have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, but last night I did. Three times again, just like the night before. I went to the store yesterday and bought some single serving Chrystal Light packages. I put one in my water this morning and I'm doing much better drinking it. I hope to have my 64 ounces in by 7 p.m. tonight. I know that my body will get used to the water after a while and that I won't have to get up during the night. The metaphor I like to think about is about the houseplant sitting in very dry dirt. When you water it, most of the water will just run right out of the bottom into the water tray. But if you water the plant when the soil is a little moist, it will hold the water better. Hopefully, my dry body will get used to having water poured into it and it won't just come back out again!

What is keeping me going?  The thought of having less complications during my surgery. Studies have shown that their is less complication by lossing some weight before surgery. Not just with Weight Loss Surgery, but all types of surgery. And of course there is the losing weight. I know that I shouldn't get on the scale every day. (Well some people are for it and some people are against it), but I weighted 2 pounds less this morning then I did yesteray! At this rate, I just may lose 50 pounds by my surgery. That would be nice.

Update number 2

Well, I'm doing so so. I have a headache and I'm hungry. I didn't get hungry between my breakfast and mid-morning "snack", but I got hungry before lunch time. I made myself wait. It has been about an hour and I'm hungry again. :(

I can do it.

It is cold here in my office building. I work on the 4th floor of a 15 story building. They have the air on so cold, that I can almost see my breath. I went for a 20 minute walk on my lunch hour just to get some warmth! Not really,  I needed to go for the exercise, but the thought of getting out there in the heat helped me to do it.

A co-worker told me that her cousin lost 100 pounds in just 6 weeks using Optifast. I don't believe it. Wouldn't the doctors have stopped him? or put him on more calaries? She says it is true though.

I just want to lose 20 in these 4 weeks. That would be great!

I'll keep you posted.

Update

Yesterday, July 26th, I started my optifast program. I have to eat/drink 6 meals a day, 2 to 3 hours apart. And drink water in between. I started yesterday afternoon at 1 pm., with my first meal. By the evening, I had a headache, was gassy and was using the bathroom every hour, (because of drinking more water). And I got hungry after about 2 hours of eating my meal. I don't want to eat every 2 hours. I need to space then out more.

This morning I feel better, and had my first meal at about 6:45 a.m. It is now 8:30a.m. and I feel okay so far. Wish me luck. 26 days of this, then it is my surgery.

Goal: Look at ways to nurture self without using food.

 Here are some things that I came up with.

Get a monthly massages

Go to the movies

Exercise

Cook for myself, complete with setting a nice table

Keep my house clean

Reach out to people. Call friends just to talk.

Listen to uplifting music

Pray and mediate

Take care of my photos. (I have boxes of photos that need to be scanned into my computer and then placed into photo albums.)

Eating out/ Nurturing self.

I was driving to work this morning and I noticed this restaurant that I hadn’t seen before and I felt a sense of loss because I know that I will not be able to eat there for a very long time, if at all. Staring on July 26th I have to go on a 4 week liquid diet to lose some weight before the surgery.  No more eating out. No more going out to lunch with my co-workers. No more going out to dinner with my daughter, at least for the next year or so. I know that I can eventually go out to eat, but that I will have to change what foods and the amount of what I eat and I will have to bring food home.

My mother died when I was 23 years old, and my grandmother died 5 years later. I have always loved it when they cooked for me. Food equals love and nurturing. I don’t like to cook for myself (a form of self-hate maybe?) Eating out at restaurants has always been a favorite way to nurture myself as I no longer have my mother or grandmother to cook for me. In my mind going to a restaurant is next best thing to having someone care enough for me to cook me good food. They even clean up afterwards!!! That what has been a form of nurturing to me. The fact that I’m paying them to do this is never in my mind. Talk about denial!

I have to look at what I will gain by having the surgery, therefore, changing the way I eat, and most importantly, the way I nurture myself.

The most important thing that I will gain is my health. I was recently diagnosed with having diabetes. I also have high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and pain in my ankle, knee and hip joints, as well as lower back pain. All of this is from carrying around all this extra poundage. Having the surgery and changing the way I eat will allow me to release my extra weight and hopefully I will get healthy again. This also means releasing the need to nurture myself by going out to eat at restaurants.

(I don’t use the words “Lose, losing, loss” when talking about my pounds of fat, because when you lose something, this implies that it is out there to be found again. I want to release my weight, let it go, free myself from it. I don’t want to find it again.)

Goal: Look at ways to nurture self without using food. Release my need to nurture myself with food.

Surgery Date

I got my surgery date yesterday. It will be done on August 22nd at noon.

Idenity

My 13 year old daughter Kellie is at sleep away camp. I drove her there on Friday and I will pick her up on Wednesday. That is 5 nights without her. And 4 whole days all by myself! It is a blessing and a curse.

I moved out of my parent’s home when I was 19 and even though I have had roommates from time to time, I have mostly lived on my own. Five years ago I adopted my daughter and even though, at first It was an adjustment, I am used to having her in my home. But now I feel that my whole life revolves around her. I look forward to the time when she is away at camp, so that I can be alone, but after about a day I get lonely and can’t stand being by myself.

Kellie has gone to camp now every summer for the last 4 years and I know that I have to make plans otherwise I will go crazy being by myself. I cannot sit at home feeling alone and  sorry for myself. This leads to eating!

Saturday afternoon, I called a friend who lives half way across the country and on Sunday I met a friend for a walk. My walking friend recently had Quintuple by-pass surgery on her heart. It was great because she couldn’t walk much faster than me. I have always had a problem finding a walking a buddy, because I walk so slowly. I’m looking forward to being able to walk faster once I’ve had the surgery.

Mostly this weekend, I had a chance to think about my situation and my feelings of loneliness when Kellie isn’t around. About how I need to be something else then being Kellie’s mom.

In the past, I have been a student, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a friend, a cousin, a niece and an employee. I’m still an employee, but I am not married to my job and don’t want to be. I go into work, put in my hours and leave it all there when I go home. That is the type of job I have and that is why I stay with it.  But the other labels have taken a back seat or have gone away, since I have adopted my daughter. The role that I spend most of my time is being a mother. I love it, but I also know that I tend to be an all or nothing type of person.  I need to learn balance in my life and spend more time cultivating other relationships. I am no longer a daughter, as both of my parents are deceased. I don’t have much of a relationship with my sister, so I’m not a sister very much. Currently I don’t have a boyfriend and even though I try to stay in touch with my friends, it seems to get harder and harder each year. Most of them do not live in the same city that I do and several of them don’t even live in the same State.

Goal: Take a hard look at roles other than being a mother and find ways to develop them.

Physical Activity

If you have had or are considering weight loss surgurey, you will need to exercise. If you already exercise and have activities that you love to do, then okay. But if you are like me, and hate to exercise, then sit down, and think about your past and what you liked to do as a child. What you didn't like to do? What would you do if you had more energy, were thinner, more fit or had better knees? Make a list and keep it handy. Make goals for yourself of when you will do these activities. What equipment do you need? Do you need to save money to buy the equipment etc... Start thinking about what you can do to make exercise a part of your life.

Here is a list of physical activities that I would like to do.

Swimming / aqua aerobics. I have bad vision, so I don’t like to be in the water without my glasses on and also I’m afraid of the deep end of the pool. I can float on my back and can dog paddle in the pool as long as I’m close to the side of the pool. Aqua Aerobic is fun, but what I don’t like about it is that the classes are usually geared towards retirees, which means they are offered in the mornings when I am at work. But that does not mean I can’t do exercises in my pool at my apartment complex on my own.  Equipment: I have a pool at my apartment complex. I have a bathing suit, but will have to replace it as I lose weight. When: Right now.

Biking- When I was a child, I loved riding my bike. As an adult, I had a bike for a while, but it was too hard on my knees as I got heavier. I would love to go for bike rides again. Equipment:  I will need to buy a bike. When: Goal to buy a bike next April to have next summer.

Hiking- I love to walk on the trails near my house. If I have time on the weekends I go, but usually during the week, I’m too tired or busy to go in the evening after work. It is also hard to go with others as they want to walk faster. I’m looking forward to being able to keep up with them.  Equipment: Just tennis shoes, and bug spray if I go on that one trail that is in the woods. When: Right now

Badminton- I only played a little, when I was a teenager. I remember loving the feeling of hitting the birdie. Equipment: A badminton set along with a net. Also need people to play with that don't mind that you are just learning. When: Check out sales on this type of equipment at end of summer, so to have for next summer.

Wii Fit- I got a Wii Fit, but haven’t hooked it up yet to the TV. When I was younger I could hook up equipment to my TV but lately, I just don’t want to. It seems to frustrate me and make me anxious to think about it. Equipment: Have the box and the board and the game, but it needs to be hooked up. When: Saturday, call friend who will help with the hook up.

Ice Skating- I used to go ice skating at the local park in the winter when I was a kid. Now there is a nice skating rink in my town, and I have taken my daughter there once for a birthday party. I could have skated but was too afraid of falling with my weight and bad knees.  I can’t wait to try it again. Equipment:  Can rent skates at the rink. When: Plan to go this winter, no later than February.

Roller blading- Never went. I went Roller skating once as a teenager and fell and got a big bruise/goose egg on my knee and never went back. I can’t wait to try it again. Equipment:  Can rent skates at the rink, or buy a pair of roller blades. When: next summer

Miniature golf (putt putt golf). I went and played a couple of weeks ago with my daughter. We had fun. I want to go at least once a month. The price wasn’t bad either. Equipment:  none, can get the putters and balls at the center. When: Right now

Zumba- I want to go once to see what it is like. My daughter is on a cheerleading team for kids with special needs. Their gym offers Zumba a couple of evenings a week for cheerleaders and their parents. This is something that my daughter and I can do together. Equipment:  none When: as soon as I am cleared for exercising after my surgery.

Yoga-I’ve done yoga on and off. I’ve taken Yoga for Big Bodies, but it is so hard to get down on the floor then up again. Equipment:  loose fitting clothes. I have those! When: as soon as I am cleared for exercising after my surgery.

A little more about me.

I was born 4 days past my due date on a rainy Saturday afternoon, in January. My mom said it was 60 degrees outside, that it was an Indian Summer.  I weighed 9 pounds and 5 ounces and I remember my mom telling the story that at my first feeding, I sucked down 4 ounces of formula. I really did not appreciate how much that was until my sister had her baby and when he drank 1 ounce and the nurse all told me sister how good that was. But I drank 4 ounces! This was 4 times more than most babies drink at their first feeding.

I weighted 110 at age 10. I know this because my mother was given a little booklet at my first doctor’s visit to record my vaccines and my height and weight at various stages of my life. She gave the book to me when I left home at age 19.  I always wore 1 size bigger than my older sister. She was in a size 6 and I wore 6x. I didn’t know it at the time, but 6x is just a size, but I thought the x meant the same as plus size today. After being a 6x, I wore husky or chubby sized clothes. Back then, my mom and grandmother used to special order my clothes from a catalog. But looking back at pictures from that time, I really wasn’t that big. I was the same height as my sister who was 1 ½ years older than me and I was just a little “thicker” in the waist, arms and legs. And my sister was always small for her age. As an adult, she is only 4' 11" tall!. I'm 5' 4".

By the time I was in the 4th grade, I was wearing a women’s size 7 shoe. My mom was able to buy me a pair of sneakers for gym, but was not able to find me a pair of shoes that was appropriate for a little girl. At that time, it was not cool for girls to wear sneakers. Sneakers were for gym class only, but my mom would not buy me a pair of “heals”. (my mom hated to shop, we would go to 1 or 2 stores and if she didn’t find what she wanted, then we got nothing.) So I was the fat girls in sneakers. I also had glasses, so that set me apart as well.

It was about this time that the name calling started. I remember being call “Thunder Thighs”, Fatty, or whale. I was the last to be picked for teams in gym class. Maybe I would like sports and exercise today, if the teacher would have just divided the class up for teams for gym. I still believe that I can’t do sports, because picked last. Nobody would play with me on the playground either because they didn't like fat kids or were afraid that if they played with me, they would get teased too.   Kids assumed that I was "less than" because I was fat.

Goal for today. Think about and try to change beliefs about self that I am bad at sports/ physical exercise. Look at past experiences surrounding playing sports, and / or participating in gym as a child, and know that I was not necessarily bad at sports, but never really was given the chance to participate due to other’s views of me/ people overweight. What sports do I like? What sports/physical activities have I participated in, that I was somewhat good at? What sport, or activity would like to pursue as a person who has had WLS?  

Day 1, the Beginning.

I began the journey of having Weight Loss Surgery back in February 2011. I actually have been researching it for a while and have gone to 3 other seminars in the past. All 3 times, the program was not right or the time was not right. The program and the time is right this time. I have chosen to have the RYN surgery and began the process at the end of February. I am at the point now that I'm waiting to get the surgery date scheduled.

I have been reading many blogs/websites regarding weight loss and most of them deal with cooking, and food or wanting to sell products. While these are very helpful, I want my blog to focus on the emotional and spiritual side of my journey. I may talk about food, post ideas and experiences around the food that I eat, but I really want to share my emotional journey.

I am working with a therapist and have been in therapy a fair amount in my adult life. I have been in Therapy now with the same therapist for 1 1/2 years. Before that I was with a different Therapist for 2 1/2 years. I left her when I had to relocate for a job change. But I personally believe that changing Therapist every once in a while is good. I feel that after a while, it gets to the point where they have helped me all that they could, but it is time to get a different perspective.

Well, I don't want to give it all away in one post. I will talk to you all next time.