Eating out/ Nurturing self.

I was driving to work this morning and I noticed this restaurant that I hadn’t seen before and I felt a sense of loss because I know that I will not be able to eat there for a very long time, if at all. Staring on July 26th I have to go on a 4 week liquid diet to lose some weight before the surgery.  No more eating out. No more going out to lunch with my co-workers. No more going out to dinner with my daughter, at least for the next year or so. I know that I can eventually go out to eat, but that I will have to change what foods and the amount of what I eat and I will have to bring food home.

My mother died when I was 23 years old, and my grandmother died 5 years later. I have always loved it when they cooked for me. Food equals love and nurturing. I don’t like to cook for myself (a form of self-hate maybe?) Eating out at restaurants has always been a favorite way to nurture myself as I no longer have my mother or grandmother to cook for me. In my mind going to a restaurant is next best thing to having someone care enough for me to cook me good food. They even clean up afterwards!!! That what has been a form of nurturing to me. The fact that I’m paying them to do this is never in my mind. Talk about denial!

I have to look at what I will gain by having the surgery, therefore, changing the way I eat, and most importantly, the way I nurture myself.

The most important thing that I will gain is my health. I was recently diagnosed with having diabetes. I also have high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and pain in my ankle, knee and hip joints, as well as lower back pain. All of this is from carrying around all this extra poundage. Having the surgery and changing the way I eat will allow me to release my extra weight and hopefully I will get healthy again. This also means releasing the need to nurture myself by going out to eat at restaurants.

(I don’t use the words “Lose, losing, loss” when talking about my pounds of fat, because when you lose something, this implies that it is out there to be found again. I want to release my weight, let it go, free myself from it. I don’t want to find it again.)

Goal: Look at ways to nurture self without using food. Release my need to nurture myself with food.